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Bible Sex Facts
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Part 1: For Children
Part 2: For Single Persons
Part 3: For Married Persons and Those Who Have Set the Date
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Q: My wife does not enjoy foreplay. She does not want to be aroused. She says that it's too much effort with often little or no result. She also says that the feelings of orgasm or near orgasm are too intense and she's afraid of what might happen if she goes all the way.
This leaves me very frustrated. I've read plenty of Christian books and sex guides as well as had Christian counseling on our sex life. Everyone concurs that it is the man's responsibility to pleasure his wife. What happens when she doesn't want to be pleasured?
A: Remind her that a husband's sexual needs must be met in two different ways. The first is the obvious pleasure the husband receives during sexual intimacy and the culminating orgasm. However, the second is the vicarious pleasure he receives in knowing that he has given his wife sexual pleasure. I would suggest that the ideal ratio is 50/50.
However, some husbands need this second level of sexual pleasure more than others. In your case, the second pleasure may be more important than the first. You job is to remind her that your sexual needs are not being fully met because you don't ever experience the satisfaction of knowing you have given your wife sexual pleasure.
Even use Bible verses to reinforce this line of thinking. Click this link for examples:
Q: Is it okay to lust after your wife? My sex drive is higher than my wife's so I relieve myself either by looking at her or thinking of her. Is this even considered lust?
A: The word lust refers to sexual desire directed at someone other than your spouse. Discuss your feelings with her. Maybe she will give you a "hand job" when you need relief. Even ask her to pose for you while you masturbate. Watching your wife undress can be very stimulating. However, never masturbate solo when she would prefer interactive sex; that would be selfish.
Q: If a married couple wants to engage in a consensual, erotic, spanking (not a beating) as a form of foreplay, would that be considered a sinful perversion?
A: Neither my wife nor I would enjoy such activity. However, there is no moral issue here as long as both persons enjoy it equally. As soon as one enjoys it more than the other, it becomes selfish perversion of the pleasure role of sex in marriage.
In Christian marriage, "Was that as good for you as it was for me?" is a required question for all sexual activities, with or without spanking.
Q: I believe my (married with four daughters) pastor had a sexual relationship with a single female member of the congregation. What advice would you give me in resolving this issue within my mind or with him directly or with higher authorities within the church.
A: First, it is not necessary to resolve it in your own mind. However, the church body may have a role, as spelled out by Paul in Galations 6:1: Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.
Brothers: Paul is writing to members of the church at Galatia. His audience is made up of fellow Christians.
Caught: The King James uses the phrase "overtaken in a fault." The true meaning is stumbling upon someone's shortcoming by accident, and not as a result of a spiritual vigilante activity.
Spiritual: Only those Christians who are being guided by the Holy Spirit should have an active role.
Restore: This is the key concept of this passage. The true purpose of such an action is to bring the person who is having a problem back into full fellowship with Christ and the rest of the body.
Gently: This is the way you would handle a baby bird which has fallen from the nest. Use enough pressure so the action can be completed safely, with no further injury.
Watch yourself: Paul is warning all of us of our vulnerability to Satan's work. See Eph. 6.
Q: You're a liar when you say you can get AIDS because condoms can fail.
A: The failure rate for condoms you need to be worried about is the fact that the HIV virus can "leak" through microscopic holes in a condom; holes so small that sperm will not pass through. It's your funeral. Suit yourself.
Q: I like sex in the afternoon. I am too tired at night and want nothing but sleep in the morning. How can I tell my spouse that I desire him when it's not possible for him to be here, but wish he would leave me alone by the time I get in bed?
A: You need to a open clear channels of communications about all aspects of sex in your marriage, including scheduling. Then, you may need to compromise; each give a little.
Q: You mention that it is a sin to fornicate before marriage and I agree completely. However, what does the Bible say about oral sex or mutual masturbation? Is this considered premarital sex?
A: This is a very timely question because the White House press corps has been looking for the answer during much of 1998.
Here is my answer: The only place for oral sex and mutual masturbation is the privacy of the bedroom of two legally married persons.
Q: Does the Bible say exactly what marriage is? I know that marriage is the union between two people and God, so does this mean that my girlfriend and I can be biblically married before we are legally married?
A: Both the Bible and society agree that sexual intercourse before legal marriage is fornication, known in the NIV as "sexual immorality." Celibacy before marriage is best illustrated by Mary and Joseph. Even though they were betrothed (legally engaged), they didn't have intercourse until they were married and Jesus was born. Matt. 1:25 This may not be the answer you are seeking, but it is the only one supported by the Bible. My suggestion is that you take a vow of celibacy and refrain from sex until you are legally married. If you have been sexually active, this will be harder than initial celibacy would have been.
Q: I am a new Christian who just got a divorce. I need to know if I can make love to my ex-husband since I would not be comfortable making love to any one else. We got a divorce because he was having an affair.
A. This one needs King Solomon or Dr. Laura. Since they aren't here, I'll give it a shot. Sex with your ex-husband will be Biblical fornication. If he has repented of his adultery by confessing his sin to God and you, remarry him and live happily ever after.
Q: Is it wrong for me to masturbate because my future spouse cannot do so and keep her proof of virginity (hymen), or can she without breaking it?
A: This is a tricky issue. The masturbation question has the same spiritual answer for a woman as for a man (as explained elsewhere on this page and in Bible Sex Facts) Now the tricky part. It is physiologically possible for a virgin to masturbate to orgasm, without breaking the hymen, by stimulating the clitoris. The hymen is in danger only if a vibrator, finger, or other object is inserted into the vagina. If your intended has a conscience problem with masturbation, she should avoid it. Just because she "can" doesn't mean she should.
My wife likes to be stimulated by having a cucumber inserted into her vagina.
Is there anything in the Bible that forbids this ?
A: No. However, I recommend that you omit the vinegar.
Q: I would like information regarding how a husband should deal with a virgin's hymen without causing her pain or excessive bleeding.
A: I am not a doctor and you have asked a medical question. Therefore, all I can do is give you a layman's "opinion".
Everything I have said in my book about free and open communication, as well as the importance of foreplay, applies doubly here. Don't expect too much the first time in the way of orgasm for your wife. The pain of penetration may exceed the pleasure involved. Follow these steps:
Lubricate the vulva generously.
Engage in foreplay, with concentration on manual manipulation of the vulva and clitoris. At the same time, fondle her breasts and suck her nipples. Gently attempt to insert a finger in the vagina and then withdraw it. If you are able to insert one without undue pain, try two, and then three. Continue stimulation of the vulva and clitoris until she begs for intercourse.
Lubricate your penis generously. With a full erection, very slowly attempt to insert the head a little way into the vagina. Make sure she will tell you if she experiences significant pain. If she reports pain or you sense significant resistance, withdraw and then try again. If you are becoming stimulated to the point of ejaculation, withdraw and wait a few minutes before trying again.
If you are unable to achieve full penetration without excessive pain for your wife, visit a physician. Ask about perforating her hymen. That should make future intercourse possible, and eventually pleasurable.
Q: I am asking this question in all seriousness. My wife and I are nudists. We have a great marriage, and go to church. We found out that nudism is very far from "sex" and "porn". What are your feelings on this?
A: The Bible is clearly opposed to nudism. The altar steps for the Tabernacle in the Wilderness were designed so people couldn't look up under the priests' skirts. Ham was punished for making fun of his father, Noah, because of his nudity.
Today, everyone is being warned to stay out of the sun because of skin cancer. It's only been in the last 100 years that people have deliberately exposed their bodies to the sun. But the most important reason why nude sun bathing should be avoided is that it's an invitation to lust. If you and your wife want to sun bathe privately, that's between you and your dermatologist. However, as soon as you do it in public, temptation to lust becomes an issue. You may be able to control your thoughts, but what about other people? That's a major reason why civilized people wear clothes in the first place.
Q: If a person's virginity is lost outside the bonds of marriage, is there any way to regain that virginity spiritually?
A: God will forgive any sin, including fornication. Just ask. And then, maintain the state of celibacy until marriage.
Q: Where in the Bible does Jesus specifically state that one should not have sex before marriage?
A: The Bible word (King James Version) for sex before marriage is "fornication." The only times Jesus used this was in reference to a cause for divorce. However, the Apostle Paul used the term numerous times. Here are a few references: (The NIV will translate the term "immorality") 1 Cor. 6:13, 1 Cor. 6:18, 1 Cor. 10:8, 2 Cor. 12:21, Gal. 5:19, Eph. 5:3, Col. 3:5, 1 Thess. 4:3.
Q: Will God smite me if I masturbate?
A: There is no record in the Bible of God smiting anyone for masturbating, unless you are referring to Onan. In the case of Onan, it seems the sin was failure to beget children for his dead brother. He "withdrew" and "spilled his seed on the ground."
There is a fine line between masturbating in lust and masturbating for sexual release. Masturbating while fantasizing about illicit sexual situations is always a sin. Masturbating for sexual release should be avoided, also, if you are convicted against it.
Q: Why did God create us as sexual beings?
A: God's first intention in creating us was so we could worship Him and fellowship with Him. If our first ancestors, Adam and Eve, hadn't sinned, our sexuality would have been all pleasure and no pain.
A: The question I have struggled with is this: why has God created me to feel this way and go through the hell of chastity?
A: God is our Manufacturer, and the Bible is our Operating Manual. Something isn't wrong because the Bible says it's wrong. The Bible says it's wrong because it is in violation of God's standard operating procedures for Humans.
Q: I am in a sexually active relationship that I know is wrong. I plan to stop having sex but how do I approach this with my girlfriend? Since we have been sinning, does it mean we should part?
Stop sinning and ask God's forgiveness. If your friend does not agree with your
new position, ask God to guide the future of that relationship, but still stop
sinning. God may have other plans for your future which involve a woman who feels
like you do about premarital sex.
Q: You say homosexuality is a sin for a minister. What about other sins?
A: You're right. I do say there is no such thing as a homosexual minister. Of all the sins in the Bible, there is no plainer denunciation than against homosexuality. However, you're correct in pointing out that no minister who is born again and filled with the Holy Spirit can have any other sin in his/her life, either. Jesus had a description for people like that in his day: Tombs! White and pretty on the outside, but inside-- full of dead men's bones.
Q: Where does the Old Testament stand on premarital sex?
A: The sexual standards of the Old Testament (OT) were not as high as the New Testament (NT) because this was before the era of the Holy Spirit. Multiple marriages were prevalent in the OT. Bible history tells us they always led to trouble: Jacob, Hannah, David/Absolom, et al. However, there is no doubt how God felt about fornication in the OT. He was opposed!
Q: I am 25 and my wife is 24. Why am I not as interested in her sexually (twice a week) and why does it take a lot of foreplay for her to orgasm?
A: 25 Is not old but one of the facts of life is that the male sex drive peaks before 25 and then declines slightly with age. Twice a week may be just about right for both of you now. Apparently neither of you feels a buildup of sexual tension. Have sex when you need it, not when the calendar calls for it. Remember "foreplay" can take different forms. Hugging, kissing, stroking, and sucking are all forms of foreplay. Ask her which she prefers. As I stress in my book, penis insertion should wait until the wife begs for it. Don't consider thrusting to be foreplay if she hasn't begged for insertion yet. Some husbands tend to a have a stronger sex drive in the morning, while some wives are easier to arouse in the evening. Talk it over and see if the time of day makes a difference for her.
Q: How can I avoid sexual sin? My will is weak.
A: Avoiding sexual sin requires more than sheer will power. It involves the direct involvement of the Holy Spirit, the third Person of the Holy Trinity. Pray to be filled with the Holy Spirit. This is not just a one-shot trip to the altar. We're talking about a day by day, hour by hour, even minute by minute reliance on the Holy Spirit for the power to live above sexual sin. When I was a teenager in the evangelical church, we used to joke about being saved, sanctified, and petrified. The kind of Spirit filling we're talking about here is the starting point of a growth process, not being sealed in Lucite until either marriage or the rapture.
Q: Is it all right to make love while another couple is in the room, if our bodies are always covered? What about taking pictures?
A: I think this is a very poor practice. Sex is a private matter between husband and wife. Sexual activities should not even be discussed with other persons, except in a clinical or help-giving environment where the objective is to get or give help with a problem. I can't believe there wouldn't be the temptation to be titillated by the sounds of the activities of the other couple, even if their bodies were completely covered. There is no excuse for taking pictures. That could give rise to wife swapping.
Q: Where can I get another book about Christian sex?
A: As far as I know, this book is unique in terms of total frankness from a Biblical perspective. There are Christian books about sex but they tend to shy away from such topics as oral sex and female orgasms. On the other hand, there are many books which cover these and all other topics but not from a Biblical perspective.
Q: Would it be a sin to make video recordings of my wife and me during sexual activities, for our own private enjoyment?
A: I know of no moral reason why this could not be done. However, if you have children, it could be upsetting for all concerned if they (or any other children, such as nieces or nephews) looked at that tape. The security for such a tape should be of the highest level. Perhaps you should use a safe deposit box.
Q: Should we use sex training videos to improve our sex life?
A: I would recommend that you not use any sex training materials which are not based on the Bible and developed by Christians who have a value system similar to yours. With videos, there is a danger that the nudity will become more important than the so-called educational value of the materials.
Q: Is it all right to use a vibrator during foreplay?
A: Sex toys, such as vibrators, may have a use in a Christian marriage as long as they are mutually enjoyed by both husband and wife. There is a theory that extended use of vibrators may diminish the wife's ability to be aroused by her husband's human touch.
Q: Is masturbation a sin for a single person?
A: Many people masturbate and fantasize about another person at the same time: that is sin. However, if it is possible for a person to masturbate without fantasizing when normal sexual activity is not possible or practical: that is release of sexual tension. Masturbation with illicit sexual fantasies or with use of pornography is wrong. In Matt. 5:28, Jesus said that looking at a woman in lust is committing adultery in the heart. A popular song of the sixties said "you can't go to jail for what you're thinking". Maybe not, but this teaching of Jesus states you can go to hell for what you're thinking. The command against looking at a woman in lust applies equally to women looking at men. It also applies to looking at pictures and reading pornographic materials.
Q: Why do you say that Christians should not have sex on the first night of the honeymoon. Since they're married, how can that be a sin?
A: It won't be a sin but it may be a mistake. The scenario on the first night in Bible Sex Facts is based on two virgins, or at least persons who have been celibate in their relationship.
I'll say this as a grandfather: When a man takes my granddaughter as his wife in the full scriptural sense, I want him to be a thoughtful, patient, selfless lover. Who cares if it's the first night? Her happiness is the sole issue, not on what night of the honeymoon she was deflowered. The pressure and tension of the marriage celebration may make it a good idea for both parties to wait a day or so to recuperate. By the way, the Bible is silent on sex the first night. The law of logic is being applied here.
Q: Is it really practical to expect adults to remain celibate until marriage?
A: It may not be easy but it is possible, through prayer and the power of the Holy Spirit. Interest in high school and college celibacy support groups is on the rise, all across the country. Check out the Ivory Home Page.
Return to Bible Sex Facts Home Page
Preface and Introduction
Part 1: For Children
Part 2: For Single Persons
Part 3: For Married Persons
Appendix A: Glossary
Appendix B: What the Bible Says About Sex
Appendix D: Normal Is Better than Average
Appendix E: A Special Message for Gays and Lesbians
Appendix F: Feedback From Readers
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